We Don’t Talk About Fat

I don’t talk about my weight.

That’s a lie. Obviously. Because here I am, writing about weight.

But, in general, I don’t talk about my weight. The reason for the silence, however, has changed over the years.

I grew up hearing that I was a fat child. The topic of my weight, my changing body, was a point of discussion for much of my childhood and early adolescence. Take a moment to consider how much fun that was. If you decided that was no fun at all, then, you win. Here’s a kudos to you. “When she hits puberty she’ll slim down.” “When she starts putting an interest in boys, she’ll slim down.” “She’d better lose some weight or she won’t find a man to marry her.” You get the gist.

Here’s the thing though. The picture that was put into my head was that I was a contender for fattest baby/toddler/little girl in the world. Or if not the whole world, El Salvador at least. I went from cute fat, a sign that we clearly weren’t doing too bad if the family had this fat baby/child to being a sense of embarrassment because I wasn’t thin like the other girls.

About a decade or so ago, I found a rare photo of me when I was in my early teens and was I a stick? No. I was a little chubby but not as big as I had been led to believe.

The damage, by the time I was in my mid-teens, was done. I was fat. I was always going to be fat. And nobody would ever love me. That was my lot in life. I was so embarrassed by it all that I refused to say the word fat, I never answered any of the questions posed to me, wondering when I was going to stop being lazy, eating so much, etc etc etc. I figured if I ignored it, it would all just go away. My favorite colors, if you asked me, where black and browns. Adding color meant possibly wearing navy or to be wild, light grey. This was also the mid to late 80s so it’s not as if there were a lot of options for someone not able to fit in straight sized clothes. So even if I had wanted to be a plus sized fashionista, I didn’t have the resources or stores to pull that off.

Let’s fast forward a few decades, shall we? Because you get the gist. Fat equaled ugly, unlovable, undeserving. Despite seeing evidence to the contrary out in the world, that was the narrative that played non-stop in my head.

It has taken literal decades to undo that damage. And to be perfectly honest with you, all of that damage isn’t completely undone.

At 52, I am at place, though, were I can say out loud, I am a fat woman. It’s as neutral now as me also saying, I am a short woman. I am a smart woman. Okay, I don’t say that. My usual go to is “I’m a reasonably smart person.” Because, cliched as it may be, I’m also a funny person. Fat and funny, that two Fs that always go together, no?

I’m okay with my body. Would I like it to be stronger? Sure. I’m now at a size (even if it’s still considered plus sized) where I have more clothing options available to me. Would I like to be a bit smaller just to have even more options? Yes. I no longer try to hide in dark colors. I even, gasp. wear horizontal stripes despite the “fact” (?) that they make you look larger. At one point I thought, I’m a big woman. Vertical stripes aren’t going to magically make a hundred pounds disappear.

I’m glad I’m in this head space now because I have a little girl to raise. And the image I want in her head is that she is strong and capable and that her body is meant to move and take her as far as she wants to go. The world being what it still is, will make her doubt herself. I’m hoping to give her a solid enough foundation where she can take those doubts and shove them aside to reach whatever goals she sets for herself.

And so, I don’t talk about weight. Not because I’m ashamed or embarrassed. No, I don’t talk about weight now because it doesn’t define me. It may be the first thing people notice about me. I can’t do anything about that. But it doesn’t have to be the barometer for how I value myself. I wouldn’t want a number on a scale to determine how my daughter feels about herself so why shouldn’t I want that for myself as well?

Posted on 4/11/2025 | 0 comments | Dailies