Play Nice

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[This is where the summary would go if I'd bothered to write one.]

« Week 110March 15 Update »
Come Away With Me

She’s always asking me if I’ll go with her, follow her wherever she goes. She asks me every day. And no matter how many times I tell her yes, she keeps asking. Some days I want to scream at her, some days I want to cry for her, but never do I want to tell her no. Even though I know I’m not a follower. Maybe that’s why she keeps asking. Does she know perhaps that I’m lying? Deep down she must sense it.

I don’t want to lie to her. I don’t mean to lie to her. I just don’t have the heart to tell her no. Paris? she asks. Sure, I say. A little cabin somewhere in Colorado? Of course. A hut on a beach in Hawaii. That would be nice, I say. Sometimes I think she keeps offering me locations in the hopes that one of them will entice me to go. But the unspoken no hangs over us, enveloping us like a haze. I’ll catch her staring at me with a sad look in her eyes and I can see the question forming on her lips. I smile and ask her how her day went or if she has any good gossip about our friends. One day, in response to her question, I’ll have to tell her that I am where I’m supposed to be.

I’ll be forced to tell her that her fancy plans are nothing but dreams to me and dreams are made to be forgotten, rubbed away with the morning sun. It’s selfish of me to keep the game going, but I’m a selfish person. To deny it would be another lie. And I’ve told too many to add on another. Or perhaps I’ve told too many that another lie shouldn’t matter. I console myself with the thought that she knows the truth, deep down she knows it and that she chooses to lie to herself. How am I to control that, I ask myself. The games we play with ourselves when desperation and loneliness set in.

And so, to avoid it all, I say yes. I say Yes to Paris, to Rome, to Bolivia and Australia. To Bali and Japan. I say yes to the need in her eyes and her heart until the day when she’ll reach for my hand and I’ll have to let it hang in the air. Until then I’ll keep saying yes. Because, not only am I a selfish man, I am also a weak one.

Published 03/13/05 in Writing • | Views: 1924 times | Print

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